Caught in the Maze of Verbal & Emotional Abuse

April 2015

The movie-going world was understandably shocked in 2007, when popular actor Alec Baldwin unleashed his volcanic tirade in a voicemail to his 11-year-old daughter calling her a “rude, thoughtless little pig”…among other things. Ultimately, his message 
was leaked to the media and heard by millions. Baldwin’s verbal and emotional abuse could have continued undetected, damaging his daughter immensely, had the abuse not been made public.

Typically, this kind of abuse—occurring “behind closed doors”—is revealed to only a few. Therefore, millions of people—from children to seniors—suffer degrading attacks from their abusers and the belittling behavior is never discovered…or at least not until irreparable damage has already been done.

Words possess immense power.

They can be life-giving or life-threatening as Proverbs 18:21 tells us…“The tongue has the power of life and death.” Realize, words move from positive use to abuse when they wound the hearts of those whom God loves.

Verbal abuse is the systematic, ongoing use of harmful words or harsh tones in an attempt to control others. The use of reviling, insulting, or contemptuous words penetrates deep, hurting the hearts of others. The psalmist describes what happens when someone is treated in this manner…“I live in disgrace all day long, and my face is covered with shame at the taunts of those who reproach and revile me, because of the enemy, who is bent on revenge” (Psalm 44:15-16).

Emotional abuse is the unseen fallout of all forms of abuse: physical, mental, verbal, sexual, and even spiritual abuse. Emotional abuse strikes at the very core of who we are…crushing our confidence…warping our sense of worth…subverting our spirit.¹

Have you had someone in your life share a personal, painful story of abuse?

I have. Someone dear to me recently confided, “I’ve been verbally abused all of my married life. Until now, I’d never heard of ‘verbal abuse.’ I didn’t know what it was, much less, what to do about it.”

The longer we choose to live in an emotionally abusive relationship, the more likely we think such abuse is “normal.” And we can find ourselves living fear-based lives, continually manipulated by our abuser.

After hearing about what had been happening to my friend, I realized that, obviously, she needed a plan to curtail her husband’s abuse.

So I shared with her this six-step strategy:

1. Clearly state what you are and are not willing to accept from the abuser.
   Communicate your position in a positive way. Don’t justify. Don’t apologize. Simply state your boundaries: “I want our relationship to continue, but I’m not willing to listen to your…(accusations/name-calling/put-downs) any longer.”Keep what you say short and succinct. Proverbs 17:27 says…“The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.”
2. Let the abuser know the consequences of violating your boundary.
   Your repercussion should include disengaging or distancing yourself from the abuser. You could say, “If you persist in making that accusation, I will immediately end our conversation (or leave for a period of time).”Consequences are part of God’s divine plan. Galatians 6:7 states…“A man reaps what he sows.”
3. Enforce the consequence every single time abuse occurs.
   Do NOT bluff! The abuser needs to know you will follow through consistently. Count on your boundary being tested—multiple times.In your mind and heart say no to manipulation, pressure, and control. James 5:12 says…“All you need to say is a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’”
4. Absolutely do not negotiate.
   Verbal abusers do not use words fairly, so negotiation will not work. Simply state, “I’m not willing to discuss this topic any longer. I’ve stated clearly what I will not accept.”Keep your words brief and to the point. Proverbs 10:19 warns…“Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.”
5. Do not react when your boundary is 
violated—only respond.
   Expect your boundary to be violated again…and again. If you react, you will find yourself back under the control of the abuser. Respond by detaching 
from the abuser and enforcing your repercussions. Do not cry, beg, or explode because 
of feeling frustrated. Take to heart Ecclesiastes 7:9…“Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.”
6. Solicit the support of one or two wise 
people to help you through the process.
   Include supporters—friend, mentor, counselor
—as you analyze the problem. “Would you help me identify the tactics used on me, 
determine my plan, and how to enforce the repercussions?”Look to these supporters for the help you need to get you through the critical period. Proverbs 19:20 says…“Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.”

I have seen the Lord change the lives of countless victims in bondage who today walk in freedom. Predictably, change most often begins when victims reach out for help.

If you struggle with being abused, my prayer is that you’ll embrace these biblical truths, stop living as a victim, and start living set free!

Yours in the Lord’s hope,

June Hunt

If you’re on Facebook, I invite you to connect with me at Facebook.com/June.Hunt.Hope. And if you’re not, take it from me: You’re never too old to start! See you there!

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